The Ugly Truth (2009) Quotes
Abby Richter: Oh, just doing the dishes.
Mike: Rule #3: You'll have to change your look.
Abby: What's wrong with my look?
Mike Chadway: You're all about comfort and efficiency!
Abby Richter: What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?
Mike Chadway: Well nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.
Abby Richter: My cat stepped on the remote.
Mike Chadway: Well, be sure to thank your pussy for me.
Mike Chadway: (on card) It's not for you, it's for your bean.
Abby Richter: There are no problems, Joy. Only solutions.
Abby Richter: Larry! You are not a man. You are a news man and news man are not defined by the easiest times. They are defined by the hard times. ..you have balls the size of a volkswagon. Don't think I haven't noticed!
Mike Chadway: so you wanna win a man over? You don't need 10 steps. You need one and it's called a blowjob.
Abby Richter: he's smart, he's handsome, but he doesn't know it. he's successful, but in a job that means something. he loves red wine, classical music. he loves dogs, but he's more of a cat person.
Mike Chadway: Face it. You're ugly!
Abby Richter:I am not ugly.
Abby Richter: You already hired him?
Mike Chadway: Who's this delightful creature?
Abby Richter: I'm your producer.
Mike Chadway: Hey. I like it when you're on top.
Abby Richter: I am an award winning producer. *repeat*
Mike Chadway: You're an award winning producer.
Abby Richter: You don't knock?
Mike Chadway: I did knock. YOu didn't answer.
Larry: Wow, I thought you were angry and bitter.
Georgia: No Larry, that would be my untouch vagina.
Abby Richter: she just said erection on network television.
Joy: They're talking about erections. Be quiet!
Mike: First of all, don't listen to what I say on the show. second of all, you're supposed to do that to 25 years old who think they're hot and can get any guy they want. Not 14 yeared olds. They're going through puberty. They've got enough problems.
Abby Richter: hey Doug!
Colin: Uh no, this is Colin.
Abby Richter: Oh haha, I'm sorry.
Colin: uh, who's Doug?
Abby Richter: Just a guy I'm seeing, nothing serious.
Colin: Oh.. okay.
Abby Richter: hang on a second.
Colin: sure.
Abby Richter: Now what?
Mike Chadway: Now wait. If he's still holding on for more than 30 seconds, you actually have a chance.
Mike: Rule #1: Never criticize.
Abby: Even if it's constructive?
Mike: Never. Men are incapable of growth, change, or progress.
Mike: Rule #2: Laugh at whatever he says.
Abby: What if what he says isn't funny?
Mike: That's irrelevant. A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.
Abby: A fake orgasm is good?
Mike: No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.
Abby: A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
Mike: Only to you. You're not the only person in the room you know? Let's not be selfish.
Abby: *laughs*
Mike: Now that was perfect. Real or fake?
Abby: You'll never know.
Mike: Length is very important. We need short enough to see some thigh, but not so short to see badge.
Mike: Now that is a bra. Boobies in this says "Put me in your mouth. I taste good."
Mike: Men like something to grab on, other than your ass.
Colin: I'm not used to women I can figure out in 5 seconds. But I can't do that with you.
Mike: he's an idiot. I figured you out in 2. Now tell him good night and stick your tits out.
Mike: He likes you by the way. I can tell..Colin.
Mike Chadway: OK, we've gotta teach you flirting.
Abby Richter: I know how to flirt.
Mike Chadway: Oh, OK. "My name's Abby and I enjoy reading Tolstoy, taking long walks and romantic picnics." I don't think so.
Abby Richter: [grabs Mike's ass, imitating his voice] Hey baby, wearing any underwear?
Mike Chadway: Hey, I would never say that and I wouldn't grab ass.
Abby Richter: [still imitating him] What's wrong with a little ass grabbing, I mean what's it there for if not for me to grab it?
[she squeezes Mike's ass tightly which makes him wince in pain]
Mike Chadway: You are a deeply disturbed person.
Abby Richter: [normal voice] Maybe I'm just a really good student.
[Runs her hand down his chest and upper body]
Mike Chadway: Will you stop doing that?
Abby Richter: Doing what?
[still running her finger up and down his body]
Mike Chadway: Running your finger down... there... over me.
Abby Richter: Why, is it turning you on?
Mike Chadway: [forces a laugh as if to say "yeah right"] Maybe.
Abby Richter: [seductively] You know, I think I kinda like it.
Mike Chadway: Really?
Abby Richter: [leaning in, her face almost touching his] Sucker.
Mike Chadway: I knew it. That's it, no teaching the teacher.
Mike Chadway: You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.
Abby Richter: [gushing about Colin] He's such a great guy.
Mike Chadway: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, he's dreamy.
Abby Richter: And he ticks numbers 1 to 10 on my list.
Mike Chadway: Although, weren't points 1 to 9 pretty much about him being gay?
Abby Richter: I am not desperate!
*pause*
Abby Richter: Why, did you think I sounded desperate?
Mike: Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sounded desperate?
Mike Chadway: [about Colin] I'm going to make this guy your bitch.
Abby Richter: I don't want a bitch.
Mike Chadway: Rule #4: Never talk about your problems 'cause men don't really listen or care.
Abby Richter: Some men care!
Mike Chadway: No, some men pretend to care. When we ask "how you're doing",
it's just guy code for "let me stick my dick in your ass".
Abby Richter: OOH!
Mike Chadway: I know you think Colin is above it but trust me he's a guy.
He's even remotely into you he's probably thought about each of your orifices at least ten times.
Abby Richter: I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!
Mike Chadway: Oh, I don't assume. I know.
Abby Richter: [mockingly] I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jello.
I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love. It's scary.
Mike Chadway: Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.
Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!
Mike Chadway: I just told you that I love you and all you heard was "psycho." You're the definition of neurotic.
Abby Richter: No! The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical ailments without any objective reason...
Mike Chadway: Shut up! Yet again I told you that I'm in love with you and you're standing there giving me a vocabulary lesson.
Abby Richter: You're in love with me. Why?
Mike Chadway: Beats the shit out of me, but I am.
Abby Richter: I'm sorry, but Jack Magnun will no longer be able to do 'The Ugly Truth',
which should really come as no surprise because men are completely unreliable.
Take Mike Chadway, for instance. He up and quit the show, without so much as a word.
You think you know what men are going to do. You think you know what men want to do,
but when it comes right down to that moment where they need to step up and, I don't know, make a move - they chicken out.
Mike: Oh! I am all over this.
Abby Richter: The big strong brave men, that we've all been reading about in novels
and watching in movies since we've been nine years old, - -that's a fallacy.
They don't exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid.
Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it's totally romantic and full of potential,
men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak.
Mike: Let me tell you something about women.
Women would have us believe that they are the victims;
That we break their hearts for sport. That's crap.
They say they want romance, they say they want true love,
but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don't kid yourselves.
Cuz if they're not sleeping with you, they're sleeping with a carefully
calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles.
No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.